We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
