I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
