its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i barfeds in our rink
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
