About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
