I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
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I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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