my mouth tastes like poor choices
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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