True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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