He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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