whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
