I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
