I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Never joke about your clitoris.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize