There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
