i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
