census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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