The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
God gave him joint rollers for hands
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
