Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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