I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
God, I missed his penis.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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