I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
