I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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