On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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