Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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