moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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