I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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