I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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