Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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