I'll bet she douches with gravy.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
There's always time for handjobs
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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