6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
the condom got lost in my hair
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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