somebody snuck up and got me drunk
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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