Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
