I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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