Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
