remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
