dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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