Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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