i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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