my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
