Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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