i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
