I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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