I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
