this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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