dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
My dick has a subreddit
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
