Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
