If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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