I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
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I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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