my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
