Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
