Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
of course. lets lasso hookers.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
