She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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