chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
He did a backflip because drugs
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