It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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