Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
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so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
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